I Am Not What I Use To Be

I am not what I use to be.  I have said those words, I have felt those words, and I am dealing with those words currently.  I use to be a lot of things including almost 100 pounds smaller.  I use to be an Olympic level athlete.  I use to be a buckle winning champion on my horse.  I use to be able to party harder than anyone.  I literally won a beer chugging contest in Puerto Rico against a table full of guys….Now, I am tracking my water intake…got to get it in before it is too late in the afternoon or I will be up all night.  I am positioning my head just right in pictures to minimize the appearance of my double chin….you notice I said minimize and not eliminate. 

It is like I woke up in a dang nightmare.  I forget I am not 25 until I see the mirror.  What ‘s even worse is that my husband and I didn’t ever have children, so I forget that I could most definitely be a grandmother. 

Life needs to pump its brakes!!!!Seriously, shut it down!  Whoa!!!

Here I am in a body that looks like it is melting.  Everything is lower than it needs to be. 

When you find yourself having these conversations, you just have to stop.  You  aren’t comparing apples to apples.  You are comparing an apple to an apple pie.  It doesn’t look the same on the outside, but is sure is sweater on the inside.

You are comparing a brand new car rolling out of the showroom to a car that has was taken on trips to the coast, driven you to the airport for all sorts of adventures, gotten years’ worth of groceries , taken a child to the hospital,  endured hail storms, moved a friend into a new house……just to name a few things. 

Honestly, I would not want to go back in time.  It is a scary world out there.  I love knowing what I know.  Education is never free and my body has had to pay the tuition into the University of Hard Knocks.

If you are able to listen up and tune in just a little better please give me all of your attention right now.  Let me ask you this.  If you were reading a really good book, how long would you continue to read it if you were only allowed to keep reading one chapter over and over.  The ending of the book is what keeps you interested.  Those years in your life where you were a great athlete or whatever you now compare yourself to were just a chapter.  There are great events in each chapter.  What are you doing great in your life right now?  You are in your next chapter, don’t make it a boring chapter that you just skim over.

Now think about this.  Let’s say that I never got into martial arts and didn’t push myself for all those years, all those workouts, all those heart pounding moments when I struggled to breathe from pure exhaustion, all the sacrifices, all the weeks, months, years of training…….I would not know how to push myself.  I have been to a place in my mind that only an extreme athlete would understand.  I know my limits.  I know my mind will play tricks on me and limit me from my actual potential.  I know how to rally and get my body to give me more than it even knows is there.  Being pushed to these outer limits makes us strong and makes us wise.  It makes us a leader, it makes us humble, it makes us coachable and gives us compassion towards others.  I have less barriers.  Time has to pass for wisdom to form.  And when time passes, we are not granted the luxury of only letting our minds change, our bodies do to. 

Be grateful for the person you were AND for the person you are.  Your life is a journey, not just one destination. 

Another thing to consider is let’s look at your current life.  Blah, blah, you think you are a loser, pathetic. yeah, yeah, I get it.  I am 100 pounds larger than I was in my prime.  But without that time in my life, I might be 150 pounds away from where I am today.  PLUS, I would not know my limits.  I would not know I am capable of greatness.  I would just know the same amount about myself as I knew before I was an extreme athlete.  I would be like a tiger that was born into captivity…..never knowing it’s true potential. 

We have all heard, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  I am better off having been a national champion and a gold medal winner in international competition and entered into my next chapter in my life than to never have experienced the wonderful sport of martial arts. 

It defined me for so long, but now I realize I am more than a sport.  My identity is internal not connected to one sport.  I am a goal driven, smart woman that can quickly make split decisions based on my judgement, I can learn, I can listen, and I am malleable.  You are capable of being so much more than you ever were before because you are so much wiser now.  The lessons from yesterday are the stepping stones for tomorrow.

Not for one second do I want you to think I am being passive in “letting myself go”.  Heck no!!!  You have one life and you should always but health as a top priority.  You can’t do anything without your health.  I want to be swimming at 80 in Mexico, and riding horses at 85 in Missouri.

Stop spending so much time in the past comparing apples to apple pie.  Apples are needed for apple pie.   And you my dear are a warm piece of apple pie with a scoop of vanilla on top.  Love yourself.  Now go do the things your mind and body are able of doing.  You know what you are capable of because of your past.  Do more, be more, you are more than one chapter, you are an entire book. 

When I hear people say that they are not the person they use to be, I just want to say, I know, aren’t you happy.  Dust yourself off and move forward.  Your past self is cheering you on!